This past weekend seems to have been a time of monumental shift for a lot of people including me. Stories of epiphanies and ah-ha’s, endings and beginnings, breakdowns and breakthroughs filled my Monday morning and my inbox. For me, there was a head-on collision with my own fear of success. It had been lurking in a dark corner of my mind all along, something I have spoken of and even taught about before, but never connected in quite this way.
In the South of my childhood way back in the 50s and 60s, little girls were not supposed to ask probing questions like “Why are women treated differently?” or “Why do black children go to different schools?” or “Why does the church teach us not to judge, then judge everyone who believes something different?” These were big questions for a little girl, and it didn’t help that grown-ups would say things like “Nice girls don’t ask such questions” instead of trying to answer. Didn’t I need to know these things? What if I got it wrong? Would they still love me? My child’s mind couldn’t understand what felt like conditional love and that was very scary. It felt unsafe. I felt afraid. Apparently, being different in any way was not acceptable. What I stored inside was that it was not OK to be Me, that if people knew what I was really like, they wouldn’t like me. From there, was a short slide into “I am defective” with a thudding stop at “I am not worthy.”
Consider this: We all know the things we fear consciously, things like heights, public speaking, or snakes, but it’s the unconscious fears that really trip us up. What if your Number 1 fear is the fear of just being Yourself?
Monday morning, a dear friend was relating a story of being accused of acting out of integrity when it hit me – If I am afraid to fully be myself, then I am also afraid to be fully authentic. If I am afraid to be fully authentic, others will pick up on that holding back. If I am holding back, then I am not stepping fully into my purpose. If I am afraid to step fully into my purpose, others will sense it and will step away from me. Many won’t recognize it as fear, especially if I appear to be confident on the outside. If I appear confident on the outside and lack confidence on the inside, others will suspect a lack of congruence. Some will even think it means an underlying lack of integrity. Ouch!
My known fears have mostly been about external things – What if this client doesn’t click with me? What if the bookkeeper makes a mistake? What if someone wants me to jump out of a perfectly good airplane? And you know what? That made it easy. As long as they were outside of me, I couldn’t do anything about them. But did you notice something? They were all really about how someone else might treat me, whether it was OK to just be Me. Monday morning, I looked into the Face of Fear and saw only myself staring back. All those fears came down to a fear of how I might be received for simply being myself. They weren’t outside me at all. There was no one else to “blame,” nowhere else to point, no excuse to be made. Darn! Another “ouch.” It all came down to me accepting Me. If the client doesn’t click, love and respect myself anyway and move on. If the bookkeeper makes a mistake, apologize, fix it, and move on. If someone pressures me to jump out of a plane, just say NO and move THEM on! (That one was easy.)
What does all this have to do with success? Whether you know your purpose in life or are still trying to sort it out, success at the heart and soul level means being a good steward of your Life Mission. It’s the only place we will find everything we are seeking from financial wealth to love. The only way to fulfill your Life Mission is to fully be yourself - after all, that mission was given to you and only you with all your talents, skills, quirks, and challenges. Are you willing to show up? Are you willing to take a leap of faith and just be Yourself, warts and all?
Look into the Face of Fear and see who is looking back. I’m willing to bet you will see yourself and that’s good news. You are a grown-up now and can give that child the hug and sense of safety she needs. When you do, your own adult fears will also begin to melt away. And THAT feels like fearless success.
In the South of my childhood way back in the 50s and 60s, little girls were not supposed to ask probing questions like “Why are women treated differently?” or “Why do black children go to different schools?” or “Why does the church teach us not to judge, then judge everyone who believes something different?” These were big questions for a little girl, and it didn’t help that grown-ups would say things like “Nice girls don’t ask such questions” instead of trying to answer. Didn’t I need to know these things? What if I got it wrong? Would they still love me? My child’s mind couldn’t understand what felt like conditional love and that was very scary. It felt unsafe. I felt afraid. Apparently, being different in any way was not acceptable. What I stored inside was that it was not OK to be Me, that if people knew what I was really like, they wouldn’t like me. From there, was a short slide into “I am defective” with a thudding stop at “I am not worthy.”
Consider this: We all know the things we fear consciously, things like heights, public speaking, or snakes, but it’s the unconscious fears that really trip us up. What if your Number 1 fear is the fear of just being Yourself?
Monday morning, a dear friend was relating a story of being accused of acting out of integrity when it hit me – If I am afraid to fully be myself, then I am also afraid to be fully authentic. If I am afraid to be fully authentic, others will pick up on that holding back. If I am holding back, then I am not stepping fully into my purpose. If I am afraid to step fully into my purpose, others will sense it and will step away from me. Many won’t recognize it as fear, especially if I appear to be confident on the outside. If I appear confident on the outside and lack confidence on the inside, others will suspect a lack of congruence. Some will even think it means an underlying lack of integrity. Ouch!
My known fears have mostly been about external things – What if this client doesn’t click with me? What if the bookkeeper makes a mistake? What if someone wants me to jump out of a perfectly good airplane? And you know what? That made it easy. As long as they were outside of me, I couldn’t do anything about them. But did you notice something? They were all really about how someone else might treat me, whether it was OK to just be Me. Monday morning, I looked into the Face of Fear and saw only myself staring back. All those fears came down to a fear of how I might be received for simply being myself. They weren’t outside me at all. There was no one else to “blame,” nowhere else to point, no excuse to be made. Darn! Another “ouch.” It all came down to me accepting Me. If the client doesn’t click, love and respect myself anyway and move on. If the bookkeeper makes a mistake, apologize, fix it, and move on. If someone pressures me to jump out of a plane, just say NO and move THEM on! (That one was easy.)
What does all this have to do with success? Whether you know your purpose in life or are still trying to sort it out, success at the heart and soul level means being a good steward of your Life Mission. It’s the only place we will find everything we are seeking from financial wealth to love. The only way to fulfill your Life Mission is to fully be yourself - after all, that mission was given to you and only you with all your talents, skills, quirks, and challenges. Are you willing to show up? Are you willing to take a leap of faith and just be Yourself, warts and all?
Look into the Face of Fear and see who is looking back. I’m willing to bet you will see yourself and that’s good news. You are a grown-up now and can give that child the hug and sense of safety she needs. When you do, your own adult fears will also begin to melt away. And THAT feels like fearless success.
5 comments:
Wonderful article Anne. It is amazing how we can say we just want the space to "be who we are" and at some point we discover we were the worst offenders of not honoring who we are.
There comes a point where we tend to be at a fork in the road and our thought process is such that, "Life is too darned short not to be completely authentic."
And most amazingly, there is likely to be more than one fork in our road of life.
Kathleen Gage
Thank you for this, Anne. You say so much. Your words speak to me, as these very topics of truth, authenticity, listening to and trusting yourself.... these are the topics I, too, have been uncovering and working on within me. And FEARS - yes, the greatest fear is letting yourself down, not being true to your values.
You and your writing are a blessing to me.
All the best, Gretchen
Roz sent me over to read your article this morning. Wow! Great stuff...truth. Hits home....think we're all in the same time warp and space feeling the same energy?! I've been visiting your site lately and would love to ask if you're open for an interview for my Claim Your Voice, Own Your Life podcast show on webtalkradio?
Fear to be oneself can be paralyzing ~ I got to a point where I could not stand it any longer and took action
Thus Three Years...No Fear...
http://siandesign.blogspot.com/2009/03/three-years-no-fear.html
Enjoy
Much love Annie
Sian Lindemann
Awesome Anne, couldn't say it any better - would love to share this if it's ok with you!
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